Snap, Crackle, Pop: Part I

“You see that button right in front of you? Press that if you start to get shocked,” she said nonchalantly. She’d obviously said it thousands of times. But me? I had virgin ears. No one had ever spoken such things to me. I think I would have remembered.

“Shocked? As in electrocuted? Seriously? Well will it be pretty obvious?” I asked with a slight panic in my voice.

“Yeah. Just if it doesn’t feel normal.”

Nothing about this experience was normal. And I started to wonder what exactly I had gotten myself into. Laying face down on a cushioned table with my head smashed up against the cutout that allows me to still breath. Electrodes taped onto both sides of my neck and shoulders. A strap around my chin to hold everything in place. And on top, a heavy hot gigantic folded towel that felt like it had just been pulled out of a 400 degree oven. Fry me. Bake me. I wasn’t sure which one to fear more.

“Tell me when I’ve reached a level your comfortable with.” And with that she started the pulse of electrical current to my body. I felt like I was on a roller coaster awaiting that first big drop. My stomach was in my throat. And I was sweating. Maybe that was from the bundle of hot lava cloth draped over my neck and shoulders, obscuring my view. I was actually glad my eyes were shielded though. I’m almost positive I was wincing the entire time.

“That’s enough. That’s good,” I interjected as I felt my muscles start to twitch. Electro stimulation therapy. That’s what I was currently undergoing. And I was just waiting for my skin to start sizzling and for all hell to break loose. Expect the unexpected was my motto.

I started thinking about what I would do if in fact I did get shocked. I would press that button faster than you can say Chuck Norris. Then I’d stand up on the table and jump off like a wild rabid beast, bare my teeth and start throwing people up against the wall and kicking people in the crotches. Much like this. I tend to think in stick figures. (click picture to enjoy the full awesomeness)

And then I would run out into the waiting room and tell all the old people (because everyone waiting was old besides me) that this is not Cocoon. And these people can’t make you live forever, even though there is some freaky deaky stuff going on alien abduction style. Instead, it’s a place where people get electrocuted and then they send you a bill. Of course all the elderly folk would believe me because I have the marks to prove it and also because I’m very convincing when I’m angry. Or so I tell myself when I envision things like this.

So I had it all planned out in my mind as I awaiting anything that felt not normal. But what was normal? Because when I was first being walked down the hallway we passed a room filled with people laying face down on tables, who appeared to be dead. I remember thinking that that room was not normal and I hoped I wouldn’t have to go in there. But that’s exactly where I was now. In that room. One of those dead people. Wondering what was normal.

Little did I know that things would only get weirder. I was at my first visit to the chiropractor. Nothing was going to be my version of normal.

…to be continued…

This is a real account of my first chiropractor visit. Nothing has been falsified or embellished. The story is crazy enough as is. Trust.