We're a pair, me and Insomnia. Yes indeedy.

Insomnia and I have been good friends for awhile now, years in fact. (Since Insomnia is genderless, obviously, it would be rude of me to refer to it as he or she. A simple ‘it’ suffices. Just thought I would put that out there.) Anyway, so Insomnia and I are close. It always knocks on the door around midnight and I say Oh hi. How have you been? Long time no see. Come on in. To which It replies Don’t be ridiculous. We just saw each other last night. Did you get a nap today? I sure hope so because I’ve got big plans for us tonight. I’m thinking late night T.V., an ice cream bar or two, maybe some popcorn, and of course tall glasses of water to keep you healthy and hydrated. To which I always reply Sounds good. I’m all over that. How could I say no to a friend like you?

And since Insomnia is the kind of friend who usually goes straight for the remote control, I’ve watched my fair share of late night television. Nothing fancy. No cable. Just your basic channels. But I have to hand it to Insomnia. Without It, I never would have come across programming that offered extremely important information such as the following:

*Did you know that there is prescription medication out there that, in addition to the possible side effects of diarrhea and vomiting, you might also experience trouble swallowing? Think about that for a minute. I know I sure did. And I came to this conclusion. Trouble swallowing would lead to three things. Drooling, choking, and starvation. I’ve drooled in my sleep and it’s disgusting. I’ve choked on my own saliva multiple times and it is a very claustrophobic experience. And I can barely make it through the night without feeling hungry, let alone not being able to swallow food EVER. I guess I could add one more outcome of failure to swallow: death. The commercial never said anything about that. So thank you Insomnia for helping me avoid death.

*Did you know that the Slap Chop (from the same creator as the ShamWow!) works by slapping all your troubles away? For example, if my problem is boring tuna salad (also known as a boring life) I can chop up an egg with the Slap Chop, add that to my salad, and I will instantly stop having a boring life as a result. This seemed unreal to me at first. But the exuberant guy on the infomercial demonstrated it in a very non-boring way. And just for $19.95 plus s&h I can have one of these miracle workers. It can chop everything. Even nuts. The guy made sure to tell me I was going to love his nuts because I can chop them in one slap. If all it takes is one slap I’m sold. Insomnia what would I do without you? Now I know something like this really does exist and I can now be happy.

*Did you also know that there are hundreds of exciting single people out there in my area just waiting to hear from me? I know. I almost couldn’t believe it either. But it’s true because I saw these people on television. They were real. And these people are normal people who look and act professional during the day, just like me. And at night when they are at home, they relax in bathtubs, act all sultry, and walk around in their underwear. Pretty much just like me. And they are waiting for my call. They want to hear my voice! I’ve never felt so important in my life. Again, thank you Insomnia for making me feel so special.

And this is just the beginning. I’ve learned so much, me and Insomnia, things they don’t teach you in school. But I’m afraid me and Insomnia may have to take a break. Stop seeing each other for awhile. Because as much of a friend It has been, Insomnia is ugly during the daytime. All I have to do is take one look in the mirror to know that’s the truth. And since Bubba has decided to rise and shine before the inhuman hour of 8AM, I have no choice. I hate to think about the gold mine of information I’ll be missing out on though while I’m trying to sleep. It pains me to no end.