Christmas Cheer Rules

As promised here are the Christmas Cheer Rules. Follow these fifteen rules to enjoy Christmas cheer well into the New Year. Or your money back.

1. Don’t make it necessary to go to the DMV anytime during the month of December. Christmas Cheer and DMV cannot coexist. It’s a simple matter of physics and latitude/longitude.

2. If you plan on hand-making your Christmas gifts you must start well in advance. July for example. This is the only way the scenario will play out well.

3. Never ever do a Google search for lyrics to a Christmas song, then click on the first link provided. Your computer will undoubtedly be attacked by a Trojan of some sort, leaving your computer a useless pile just in time for Christmas Day.

4. Never intentionally take away the element of gift-giving surprise for another. Included but not limited to flat out telling someone what they are receiving for Christmas and/or revealing Santa’s true identity. (This rule, however, does not apply when snooping on behalf of yourself. Feel free to sneak through closets, attics, and underwear drawers until you have spoiled all surprises for yourself.)

5. If you plan on making Almond Roca toffee, be sure to mix in the almonds before you have the candy all spread out. If you forget this key step, you will feel stupid and angry. This of course is the opposite of Christmas Cheer.

6. Don’t watch Extra with Mario Lopez because you will want to gauge your eyes out and also cut off your own ears. Many have failed to heed this warning and are now sitting by their Christmas tree, without eyeballs or ears. That is no way to spend the holidays.

7. Cobwebs are not an appropriate holiday decoration whether they be real or fake. Take care of them before they take care of you.

8. Presents smaller than a car must be wrapped. And if you are giving someone a car for Christmas you are required to donate one year of your life in service of Santa Claus.

9. December 1st through 31st be aware that your car becomes a “Christmas Music Only Zone.” Respect this law.

10. Do not stay up until 2 A.M. more than three nights in a row. Otherwise your body will stage a mutiny and you will say things you’ll regret like, “I swear if this cold doesn’t go away fast I’m going to rip my nose off.” Obviously breaking this rule while also breaking rule #6 is a dangerous combination.

11. During the holiday season you must have the makings for hot chocolate somewhere in your place of residence. A Christmas without hot chocolate is like Ireland without leprechauns. Scary and depressing.

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12. Generally speaking, you should not make relationship decisions during the holidays. Keanu’s famous words, “Relationships based on extreme circumstances rarely ever work,” are never truer than around Christmas.

13. If you are travelling for the holidays don’t forget to bring your brain along. You can’t pick one of these up at the store, at least not for a reasonable price.

14. More often than not, the smell of poop will over power the smell of pine. And pine is essential for Christmas cheer. Unfortunately the way the world is today with babies and indoor bathrooms, this situation is unavoidable. To increase the odds of pine dominance always wear a small branch of pine needles under your sleeve. Breathe in deeply whenever necessary.

15. Sanitize. Sanitize. Sanitize. And by sanitize I mean chocolate.