How to do Sundance on a wing and a prayer

This is what you need to do if ever you find yourself whisked away to the Sundance Film Festival with your sister and cousin and you a) don’t know what the heck you are doing b) lack patience, charm, and money to actually get tickets to see a movie or attend an event c)want to enjoy all the hullabaloo to an acceptable non-creepy level.

1) Don’t look for a parking spot for over an hour. If you do so, all parties involved will start to get stabby. Paying ten dollars is a great deal considering it will end possibly harmful rages.

2) In this mountainous snowy backdrop that is mecca for movie stars and people who are trying to seem like movie stars, it is very important to wear sunglasses. Even in the dark, even while eating overpriced pizza in a restaurant, even when going to the bathroom. You’ll feel important, and a few gullible passersby will think you are important too. Probably. This will also give you the security you need to stare directly at people without them knowing.

Basically sunglasses at Sundance are a requirement, just like underwear is. If you're not wearing either you are being improper. One of these redheads is following this tip well. The other is not.

3) Now go to the Egyptian Theatre and just stand there. Anyone who is anyone knows famous types may emerge at any second.

4) Keep standing in front of the theatre.

Look like you are sure and positive of yourself. Other people will come up to you and ask why people are congregating here. They will ask you this because you look like you know secrets. Simply respond with a smile. And at that precise moment America Ferrera will quickly exit and be on her merry little way.

5) I should have mentioned before to have a reliable camera out and ready so that when peoples like America pass right in front of you, you will be able to shamelessly snap pictures of them.

6) I should also mention that you will not always be successful, even when trying to get a picture of someone ten feet in front of you because unfortunately there are plenty of other people around you trying to do the same thing. There are also plenty of people who know nothing about everything and they are oblivious to the whole purpose of Sundance, and these peoples will walk right in front of you.

America is standing right behind this gentleman.

7) Keep standing where you are. Eventually a film crew will set up right next to you and start interviewing someone.

You don’t know this someone, but you are asked to remain aloof in case your profile makes it in the shot. You’ll have to find a way to deal with these annoying cameras that may or may not be capturing your fair façade. This is just the reality of Sundance.

8) Start taking pictures of anyone who looks like they may be someone. Like this guy.

He’s got all the classic signs of being an actor type. Brooding, chain smoking, anti-social, unkempt, black clothes, scalp probably smells off-putting, skinny jeans. Like I said, classic. Textbook really.

9) Then consider yourself all knowing when the actress Ellen Barkin walks out and joins this seemingly tormented soul. You may not know what her name is at the precise moment, but you know her face. That’s what Google is for. So snap the picture right when she looks at you. Bingo.

10) Obviously this is fun so keep taking snapshots. It’s always more edgy too if you take pictures of people’s bodies and not their heads. These people are not famous necessarily, but notice how you’re not completely sure because you can’t see their faces. So mysterious!

11) Don’t be afraid to get friendly (or have a cousin willing to do so) with people who look official (they are wearing a headset, and talking into their chest) and can give you important information. If you don’t do this you may be oblivious to the fact that the director of all those Bourne movies you liked so much, yes that director, is standing right in front of you in the black coat and glasses. Click.

12) When you tire of being surrounded by the enigma that is celebrity, buy some stuff in the local shops so you can carry bags around. It cannot be stressed enough how important it is to CARRY BAGS AROUND at Sundance. It’s almost as important as wearing boots.

13) Which reminds me, wear boots. And if you really want to blend in, wear a scarf as well, even if it’s not terribly cold out.

14) Take video of the street performers. They might achieve super stardom someday. Plus they are all actually talented. Plus, plus when they see you recording them it will make them feel special. And everyone deserves to feel special, especially if they deserve it.

15) Pretend like you don’t know those dancing fools when they bump into that lady.

16) Before leaving, stand in a long line to get chocolate. Hot chocolate, chocolate truffles, marshmallows, caramel apples, and the like. Don’t be embarrassed when it takes an awkwardly long time to order all the treats you want. This is Sundance after all. Indulgence is key.

17) Then when you return to your real life, go shop the Old Navy 90% off clearance sale because that's sort of more your style.