Aloha, Mr. Roboto

Meet Mitch.

I’m 89% sure that he is a robot born of the same steel as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rambo, and MacGyver. He was one of the highlights of our trip. Maybe that’s because the Husband and I are weird and we find odd things entertaining, but man, Mitch had a way of working his way into many of our conversations during the entire trip, clue number one that he was a robot. Robots have a way of infiltrating your mind.

Clue number two was of course his name. Mitch is a classic example of a name a robot would want for himself. It just is. I bet you there are no robots named Christopher. Sorry.

We met Mitch the second day in Hawaii, after we hiked to the top of Diamond Head. This is what Diamond Head looks like from a plane.

This is what Diamond Head looks like after you’ve been hiking for an hour.

This is only half the stairs. I hate stairs that are grouped in a series of more than seven, just in case you were wondering. The hike was rated easy in multiple guide books.*

Anyway back to Mitch. He appeared out of nowhere. He’s stealthy like that, clue number three that he was a robot. He then proceeded to brief us on Diamond Head and Hawaii in general, and how he could make all our tourist dreams come true, if our dream included going on multiple island tours with him, while he educated us on history, plant life, and the reason we are here on Earth.

He assured us that we wouldn't have to pay him a dime until the tour was over and we successfully had our dreams met, clue number four he was a robot. He was programmed to be suave and convincing in order to complete missions, that mission being to snatch up naive tourists and making them dance the hula in front of complete strangers . . . on a deserted island . . . FOREVER. Failure was not an option.

The best part of it was that out of the forty or so people at the summit, it appeared as though the Husband and I were the only ones listening to him. So in essence, he was talking to himself. And it didn’t seem to bother him a bit, clue number five that he was a robot. Robots don’t get stage fright. They are immune to feeling embarrassed, silly, or self-conscious. Der.

Hi folks. I’m Mitch. Welcome to the top of Diamond Head . . .

And here’s the kicker folks. At the end of his presentation, he paused, waited for any takers, and when there were none, he started doing stuff on his phone (most likely downloading information on every person he made eye contact with). Five minutes or so pass, and he started his message all over again, word for word. Holy robots! Clue number six he was a robot, robots stick to the script.

Hi folks. I’m Mitch. Welcome to the top of Diamond Head . . .

Of course clue number seven he was a robot were those MUSCLES. Most human form robots have large muscles. Why wouldn’t they? And now that I think of it, I've never met a lanky human form robot.

Clue number eight, he was wearing camouflage. If my research is correct, robots try to blend in to their surroundings.  

Clue number nine, he sweat profusely. At first I thought his shirt was also camo, but it was just multiple sweat spots. It makes sense for a robot to have been created with human characteristics such as overactive sweat glands. Makes it look like he actually hiked up with the utmost effort, when in fact he just materialized when every one else was catching their breath.

Clue number ten, sunblock was applied to his face to make him smell like all the other tourists, but with him being a robot and all, the sunblock was unable to be absorbed by his cold robot skin.

I sort of wish we had taken a guided tour with Mitch, just to see what would have happened to us. Then this blog post may have actually gone somewhere.

Oh well. The Hubs and I heart you Mitch, even though you are probably incapable of feeling love.

*Easy is obviously a relative term. I guess it would be easy if you can handle, even enjoy, 90+ stairs that come in various forms of steepness and maneuverability, have great balance, lack a fear of heights and confined spaces, have no problem when someone else’s sweat from further up a circular stairway drops on your face, and can successfully walk around or on top of rocks instead of right into them. If this doesn’t describe you then this hike is moderately not easy. But the view is worth it, as is the demon hair and slightly inflated chest.